iii!!!

The only thing that’s worse than using one man as the springboard for some sweeping, self-doubting generalizations is using two men. Look at you: You say this happened “Twice.” And: “BOTH TIMES.” What if Marie Curie had tried out just two types of fungus? What if Ben Franklin flew his kite up into the sky just two fucking times? We’d all be dead. In the dark.

Value the great conversations and then take time to value the silence. Otherwise you’re going to hear things like, “I’m going to eat more berries,” or “Would it just be easier to have dentures?” Contrary to your fear that guys spend these silences thinking about ex-girlfriends or work, it’s usually far less interesting. Ask us what we’re really thinking and we might spend 45 minutes talking about how peanut butter makes us feel fiscally responsible, and that if they ever make a video where a dog is skiing, the best way to cut to the dog’s point of view would be to have a guy gripping ski poles with dog-paw gloves. And those are just the examples of actual thoughts! Sharing the portions of visuals would be an even greater waste of your time. Do you really want to hear about the truck with pizzas for wheels, or the one where if you poke holes in the bald Cabbage Patch doll’s head and somehow fill it with soil and seeds, he’ll grow plant-hair? Of course not! It’s late. You’re wonderful. Now let’s go to sleep.